Audience Of One
by Midnight-Kitsune11
Summary: Spike's thoughts about the chip implant and before the events of 'Doomed'. Justa monologue of what I think his thoughts would have been like at the time.


Hi! This is my first Buffy fic so I hope it's not too bad. I'm still working my way through the series and I might write more as I get further through it. Depends if I have any more ideas. This one occurred to me as I watched this episode and I just had to write it.

I'd like to dedicate this a little bit to my boyfriend for introducing me to the Buffy series in the first place a few weeks ago. :)

It's set after Spike gets the chip implanted and the events in the story are canon but I've written my perspective of Spike's thoughts during it. I really hope it's not too OOC – Spike's a strange sort of character so he's a bit challenging to write but I think he's awesome. :)

**Audience Of One**

What's the use of a vampire with no fangs? It's like a blunt stake – pardon the pun – pointless. If a vampire can't hurt anyone then what's the point in even existing? To be dependant on help and unable to do anything? What kind of life is that?

I used to be a thing of nightmares for humans and demons alike, killer of two Slayers and one of the most feared and respected vampires of all. Now look at me.

I'm helpless, at the mercy of my enemies, having to trade and barter for every drop of blood I can get and am forced to drink from a humorous mug like some lowly human. The power of being a vampire all but lost with no outlet for it. The strength of the undead useless with pain being inflicted only on myself at any attempt to use it. The terror that I would previously have struck into the pathetically beating heart of any who dared stand before me was now long gone, to be replaced by mockery and pity for my dire and apparently amusing situation.

My existence has become shameful. Relying on the Slayer herself and her annoying little friends to keep me just about alive but nothing more... and, of course, for a price – the price of helping them and betraying my own kind. What would dear Drusilla say if she saw me like this, in this pitiful existence?

Ah my little kitten, what would you do if you were here now? Try to kill me for disgracing our kind? I'm ashamed to say I couldn't put up much of a fight. Whisper reassurances to me until the sun set then go hunting, willingly providing for two? Would you storm into the facility and kill every commando who stands in your way to fixing me – making me into the demon I was before, that you loved? You always looked wonderful covered in the blood of the inferior.

What kind of expression would I see on your beautiful face if you were here, my dear Dru? Sadistic lust and surprisingly tender love like I've seen so many times before or disgust and derision at my pitifulness.

I wasn't demon enough for you before and now I can hardly even call myself one but, my darling, I still cannot forgive you for leaving me, and for a Chaos demon of all things! That grotesque creature deserves less even than to be filth on the sole of your pretty little shoes.

What are you doing in Los Angeles without me? What am I to do if I am without you, Dru? You said I was tainted by my alliance with those humans and maybe you were right... No demon could feel this way, surely. This hopeless misery and despair reeks of foul humanity. The feelings we vampires so relish we should not experience ourselves. Pain is our entertainment, not emotions that we should be burdened by. To experience such emotions would be to succumb to such pathetic mortal problems and be weak and vulnerable like the disgrace Angel has become. To see one so powerful as Angelus fall so far is just disgusting. A vampire with a soul is hardly a vampire at all – sympathy, caring, altruism; these are not traits for a vampire.

Your other suggestion, my darling, was too absurd to even consider – maybe it was just the madness showing through or maybe it was an attempt to make leaving easier...

No. You didn't like to make things easy, you liked to make things fun. I had always found your childish quality endearing while others were far from fond. However it had not distracted me from your insinuation and it had haunted me since, despite it's obvious inconceivability. That I could possible have feelings other than frustration, hatred or condescension for Buffy Summers was pure insanity and shouldn't be paid any mind... yet still I do. These thoughts have tainted me more than my brief alliance could have and it is your doing, Dru. You have pushed me further into the confused mess that is now my mind and from which I cannot escape.

That Slayer is the cause of Angelus' fall from grace and the mere notion that I should follow in his footsteps is unthinkable. He taught me all I know about being a vampire but I have no trouble admitting that he was stupid. He has gone from respected to a mockery because of that girl and any who do the same are surely crazy.

Staring down, I wonder again if this is the right course of action but no better ideas become obvious. It's drastic but it's not as though melodramatic is new to me and few will know of my despicable end anyway. It will be like I just vanished without a word and no one will be any the wiser. No one will ever know the final end of "William the Bloody". 'The Bloody' seems so much more fitting these days than for my pathetic former self, though not in my present situation. After all, what have I got left? When it has come to this, I will have the last word. Not even my enemies can claim my end. I may not be able to do much but I can do this myself. This I can still control. I can still have power over my own fate. Even this might be more dignified than what I'm doing now... With that thought in mind and knowing that the stake was pointing upwards mere feet beneath me, I closed my eyes... and fell.

**Audience Of One**

So that's it! Please let me know what you think, especially about whether Spike seems in character or not. He's a somewhat enigmatic character but I tried to capture his personality but made him a bit more honest, serious and morose since it's his own private thoughts.


End file.
